The day after Thanksgiving is probably not the day to decide, this array of little sausage sticks I call fingers are too “fluffy” to be safe, so I better take my rings off…Before I can’t. The day after Thanksgiving is probably not the day to wake up, anxious, feeling the need to get those rings off now, right now, right this minute, after months of saying to myself, “They’ll be fine when I lose few pounds.”
How many times and how many ways have I said, “Oh. It will be fine. I just need to lose a few pounds?”
It was hard for me to acknowledge I needed to take the rings off. These two rings, my wedding band and engagement ring, are the very first I’ve ever had in a normal size ring. Not a fat-lady size ring. About 10 years ago, I guess it was.
And for me, kind of a big deal! I had just started back to the gym. It was also the first time ever that I can remember, my BMI was in the normal range. Normal! Can you believe that? I was floating when I realized that. And the first time in my adult life, I actually weighed less than what my drivers’ liscence said I did. Not the same. Less! I had normal sized clothing. And normal sized rings.
Now…not as much. And that doesn’t feel good to think about.
You know, I don’t much like being the “weight loss authority figure.” Did you realize, it’s a tough gig? Besides the fact so many people know more about it than me–and they do!–besides the fact that I’m not a doctor and I don’t know what all your health conditions acronyms mean anyway…well, I’m extremely human. I fall down. The goal is to get up again after each fall, but I’d be lying if I said I never sat there sometimes, thinking about how much effort it takes to get back up again and looking to convince myself I’m perfectly comfortable sitting on the floor.
I never quit considering myself a low carber. Not even once. But I’ve had stretches, where my conviction of that identity was the most notable element. No, I never have gone back to eating “the old way.” But little by little, I became less vigilant.
That was part of why I sold my old low carb community, when presented with the opportunity. I’d started putting weight back on. Who the heck am I to tell people what they should eat? I’d seen low carb site owners show up with a mea culpa and a great big suitcase full of shame, confessing dietary failings. The coin flips both ways, you know. It feels great to be an inspiration. It’s a rush! It doesn’t feel so good to let people down, or perceive yourself as a hypocrite. How can you say, “I did this, you can too” when it’s’s been a minute, and you’ve also undone some of it? I didn’t want to go there. How could I keep cheering people on about how easy all this is–and it is, when you’re in the groove–while I was crazy slip-sliding down the “just a little bit won’t hurt” path?
That “just a little won’t hurt” mentality woos you, a little at a time. That chocolate bar I bought at the gas station–just a single serving, so I can’t eat too much–started turning into two. One for today and one for tomorrow. Eventually it was 3–one for the way home, one for later today and one tomorrow. But hey, I was “controlling it,” right? Not at all addictive, shoveling in chocolate on the 5-minute drive home so nobody can see me eating it.
I sidestepped it for a long time and mostly, didn’t make it that big of a deal. While I “stayed aware,” I kept eating stuff I didn’t need to be eating, but not the worst of worst, not constantly, so I said it was “fine.” I told myself I needed some new clothes anyway; I bought some that were more forgiving. Feeling bad about yourself and wearing clothes that are too small don’t help anything.
Then my Low Carb Facebook page I had kept alive on a whim…well, with the help of a friend, it took off. Really took off and suddenly, my friend wasn’t able to help anymore…Eeek! I had to participate again, I had to step up so as not to let all these folks down. I brought Theresa on board, but I still had to step up myself. Being immersed in the low carb world again, I was prompted to up my game again. Answering questions meant I needed to remember the answers, or find the new ones. I couldn’t sit this one out anymore.
This Thanksgiving, I did pretty well on the low carb end of things. It would have been easier to scrap low carb for the day, but I felt obligated not to do that. I made my own bread for stuffing (next time, toast it more). The rolls I made didn’t rise well, but they tasted okay. I made alternatives for me to the traditional food I served my family, all carb-legal. Running a low carb recipe page comes in handy at holidays! I did a couple bites here and there of the no-go foods, but ate very little off-plan overall. Still, that on-plan food? I had plenty. And really, I’ve been eating pretty well, but not that well and not for that long.
So yeah. The day after Thanksgiving, still not the best day to declare a ring-removing emergency.
I wanted those rings off the same way I want the weight off, NOW. But that’s not enough, doing pretty well for a little bit, wanting it now. It takes what it takes, you know? As the time goes by, it gets harder and it takes a little more.
Even at that, I was 50% successful. I got 1 ring of 2 rings removed (and one beat up, swollen finger). I’ll have to try again, I guess. Heal up. Acknowledge my progress. Keep working at it, and try again. And you know? That’s not bad a bad plan overall.
Keep working at it. Heal up. Appreciate the progress. Keep trying.
I’m grateful today, for the progress I’ve made so far, in every way. All progress is good progress. I’m grateful to find the impetus, to keep working, keep healing and keep trying.
I wish the same for all you–the motivation and knowledge you need, to heal, to keep doing what you need to do to take care of yourselves.
Much Love & Happy Belated Thanksgiving.